The OurWeddingDay Blog

How Harmful is Fighting with Your Fiancé on Facebook?

OWD — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:39:18 -0400

The New York Times published an article yesterday warning that if you bicker with your fiancé or husband on Facebook, it may be very harmful to your relationship: "Some marriage experts say [Facebook fighting] represents a gradual but significant degradation of our regard for marriage."

Yikes! So much for just 'blowing off steam!'

An expert goes on, "From the Victorian era through the 1950s, marriage was viewed as the source of all safety from a predatory world," which he claims involved keeping arguments, both big and small, private, "to keep a public face of harmony."

These experts certainly have a point; we are a society of over-sharers and voyeurs. However, confiding in a friend or relative that you're upset with your spouse is hardly new, nor is others overhearing the gossip.

Facebook just presents it on a larger scale. Which is maybe the problem: Complaining to your sister is one thing. Announcing it to a group which includes a second grade classmate you haven't spoken to in years and half your co-workers is quite another...

Married Couples Share What they've Learned and What They'd Do Differently

OWD — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:40:03 -0500

If you want advice from real marriage pros, go straight to the source: four married women, and one man, discuss what they’ve learned over the years, and what they would do differently. Pay attention, students; the course on love is a lifelong class…

Rose from New York, New York
Married 10 Years
Children: Expecting
What She’s Learned: “I married relatively young (25 years old), and I have learned that it takes a lot of sacrifice, compromise, and patience in order for things to work out. Marriage is not easy, but it’s one of the greatest things that I have ever done with my life.”

What She’d Do Differently: “I would have liked to have been more mature before getting married. That way, I would have avoided many unnecessary conflicts.”

Anna from Danville, California
Married 12 Years
Children: 3
What She’s Learned: “As it’s the second marriage for both of us, we’ve learned from mistakes. Make sure you both have the same outlook-kids, work ethic, neatness expectations, courtesy, conflict resolution. And you need to realize that you don’t have all the answers.”

What She’d Do Differently: “If you have any reservations about getting married, don't do it. You’re not ready.”

Sara from Boston, Massachusetts
Married 5 Years
Children: 1
What She’s Learned: “The permanency of marriage makes it a unique relationship. I think it creates a sense of security, as you don’t have to worry that the relationship will end if you make a mistake or have an argument. In a funny way, this security has allowed me to relax and be myself as an individual.”

What She’d Do Differently: “Honestly, nothing.”

Beth from Los Angeles, California
Married 11 Years
Children: 1
What’s She’s Learned: “Don’t expect your partner to be capable of the same things you are. Each person has different strengths, and that’s what a marriage is. ‘Coming together’ is the definition of marriage. Once you accept that it makes you less angry or resentful.”

What She’d Do Differently: “I wouldn’t have listened to the people who said ‘The first year is the hardest.’ You’re madly in love the first year, so everything’s wonderful. The first year you have a child is the hardest because it’s a completely new experience for both of you and an amazing strain.”

Tom from Chicago, Illinois
Married 24 Years
Children: 2
What He’s Learned: “I can't give up the things that I really enjoy, like playing baseball in my old-guy baseball league. I may have to make concessions to get what I want. For example, in order to play baseball six months out of the year, I have agreed to take ballroom dancing classes with Deb, which lasts all year. It's well worth it-I don't think we've ever been a happier couple.”

What He’d Do Differently: “I wish I'd made the above realization at least a decade earlier.”

Are Changing Gender Roles Affecting Marriages?

OWD — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 10:04:08 -0500

Tabby Biddle just wrote an interesting article about how traditional gender roles have been changing pretty consistently since the 50s (actually they've always been changing, but lets stick to recent history shall we?), and how that affects modern marriage.

She writes, "Probably many of us can agree that for much of the 20th century the archetypal gender roles of marriage were: husband as breadwinner and protector and wife as homemaker and mother. Even if a woman was working, there was an unspoken code about the roles a husband and wife would assume upon being married. But over the recent couple of decades, due to economic and socio-political changes, that code can no longer be assumed and more to the point -- is in a process of reconstruction."

She goes on to discuss her own marriage, from the "roles" she and her husband play, to who's the main breadwinner and how that may change. Check out the full article here.

Have you considered who will do what in your new married household?

The REAL Secret To Staying Married is Separate Rooms?

OWD — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 14:42:34 -0500

Last September it seemed like "the thing" was separate beds, and everyone got worked up about it.

Now, according to Vicki Iovine, it's seperate bedrooms for spouses:

"It doesn't take Virginia Woolf to tell me that lots of people are seeking a room of one's own, and that's rarely possible, or even attractive, during the family-building years of our lives, unless one has a nice guestroom. I have maintained for years that the secret to marriage was separate bathrooms, but if the secret is also separate bedrooms, maybe everyone who called me a whiner is right. I must be the luckiest woman in town because what everyone really wants eventually is to be neighbors with their beloved mates."

Check out the full article here.

We love our privacy and all. And hogging the blanket can feel really good. But... separate rooms? It might be an interesting experiment, but it just feels so un-cuddly. We're not convinced.

Keep Intimacy Alive in Your Marriage

OWD — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:13:25 -0500

Dr. Jackie Black, International Relationship Expert, educator, author and coach, offers advice and support to couples so they can live their best life and love life together. Subscribe to Dr. Jackie's free monthly Relationship Tip Sheet and watch for Dr. Jackie’s new books: Couples and Money: cracking the code to ending the #1 conflict in marriage, and People Talking: cracking the code to being understood. Now she shares intimacy advice with OurWeddingDay.com:

Dear Dr. Jackie,
My husband is a wonderful man but it seems like it is a constant struggle to feel truly close. I wonder if something is wrong with the relationship or is it me?

Check out Dr. Jackie's answer here.

Should You Tell Your Groom About Your Sexual Past?

OWD — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 10:14:28 -0500

Is it right to tell your husband all about your ex-boyfriends? The Love Goddess doesn't think so!

Dalma Heyn, M.S.W., founder of The Love Goddess, is the author of several bestselling books on marriage and relationships, a widely read columnist and sought-after speaker. She has appeared on national talk shows including Oprah, The View, Charlie Rose, Good Morning America, and Larry King Live. Now she shares her advice on sexual pasts and married futures exclusively with OurWeddingDay.com.

"Truth telling is considered so important these days that you'd think it really is someone else's business what you did in bed five years ago. Don’t get me wrong: increasing commitment always calls for increasing knowledge of one another, but true intimacy also involves discretion, not just revelation.

"Why? Because intimacy requires an understanding that barriers can come up, and very quickly, depending upon how your “truth” is heard. It takes some serious thought, this truth-telling thing, and you play intimacy games ("I'll tell you a secret if you tell me one") at your risk. How would you really feel if your new husband confided his past romances? Is that a truth you need to know?"

Check out the full article here.

What do you think? Are honesty and discretion at odds when it comes to past relationships?

The Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling

OWD — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:18:59 -0500

Therapist Sharon Rivkin helps couples understand why they fight. She has a new book on the subject, Breaking the Argument Cycle, makes regular radio appearances nationwide and has been featured in O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader’s Digest, Yahoo.com, Martha Stewart Living Radio, and Dr.Laura.com. Now she shares her advice on married life exclusively with OurWeddingDay.com:

According to Patricia and Gregory Kuhlman of Marriage Success Training, “research shows that there is a window of opportunity during the year before the wedding and the six months or so after when couples get the optimum benefit from marriage preparation. Later, under stress, negative habits and relationship patterns may become established and be much harder to resolve. If you just wing it and count on your luck and romantic attachment to make your marriage a success, your odds are only one in four.”

Check out the full article here and make sure your marriage is a success!

Men Benefit Financially from Marriage

OWD — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:43:37 -0500

Check out this recent report that shows how men benefit financially to marriage these days, as apposed to 40 years ago when getting married could end up costing them!

"In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men," wrote the report's authors, Richard Fry and D'Vera Cohn.

Focusing on ages 30-44, the median income for married men, married women and unmarried women rose 60% between 1970-2007. For unmarried men it grew just 16%.

1970 only 28% of wives were more educated than their husbands, but by 2007 81% surpassed or matched their husband's education. Earnings have not leveled as much, though: In 1970, only 4% of husbands had wives with larger incomes; by 2007 the number had risen, but only to 22%.

So if your groom-to-be needs a shot of inspiration to help more with the planning, remind him how much this marriage really is in his best interest! It may not be the most romantic argument to help you with the budget, but whatever works, right ladies?

Sexology is the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

OWD — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 15:36:09 -0500

Check out this great old ad for Sexology that we found over at Jezebel.

We love their quote, too: "I know we like to get our sex advice from the "Puritan Publishing Company!"

Marriage Reduces Depression!

OWD — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:15:38 -0500

Yay! According to a new study conducted across several countries, marriage reduces the risk of depression and substance abuse for both men and women.

Check out the story here.

This wedding planning stuff keeps getting better and better!